This morning I was asked something that I didn’t think would hit me as hard as it did, let alone cause a mini crying fit. It was like a gut punch, and one that I’ve subconsciously been ignoring for who knows how long and the right person with the right question brought my awareness to it.
"Were you told to shut up a lot in previous relationships?"
Such a simple question, but one that cut a lot deeper than I thought it would.
There will be times that I’ll start rambling and when I realize that, I end with “I’m just going to stop talking now”, which is exactly what I did in this conversation with Nick. And it’s not the 1st time I’ve done it in a chat with him or others… he’s just the only one to have called me out on it.
I stopped to think about his question before responding, and that pause brought me through a highlight reel of times where one of the following:
- my voice wasn’t being heard
- I was shut down before speaking or for my thoughts
- I didn’t feel confident enough to speak due to being shut down previously
Any one of those situations is horrible. It’s uncomfortable. You feel invalid. And it’s because someone believes they’re above you in some way or another.
But to answer the question simply,
Yes, I have been told to shut up before – whether vocally, by the person’s body language, or reading the room…
Relationships are tough, and I’m not talking about romantic relationships only. I’m talking family, friends, work, etc. Those are ALL relationships that have a large impact on you, your emotions / mentality, and your life.
There was a time when I wouldn’t talk a whole lot with close family members because I felt that they didn’t care. That they didn’t care or couldn’t be bothered with what I had to say. I was scared to show my emotions, to share my feelings in fear of being judged or shut down. I feared being told how I felt, rather than having my true feelings validated.
And thinking about this now, it breaks my heart.
It breaks my heart because I know these Beings are my biggest supporters. It hurts because I thought there was lack of connection, and maybe there was then, but maybe not. But because of my insecurities, I locked them out and felt like I didn’t matter or was enough. I realize that that wasn’t/ isn’t the case now.
I realize that they care, that they want to be around me, and that they’re happy to hear me ramble on about nothing because it’s connection…they get an inside look at Mariah which was a rarity before.
Recently, I had a conversation where I was open about my opinions / feelings towards whatever we were talking about. In the conversation, the response I received was to change my words and TELL me how I felt. MY feelings and my thoughts were not acknowledged, but told me how I was feeling. That is absolutely not okay, and I don’t stand for that shit.
Maybe 3+ years ago I would have bowed down and went with whatever they said. But today, NO WAY. And I hope you don’t either.
Please understand this.
No one has the power to:
Validate you, except for yourself.
Tell you who you are, except for yourself.
Tell you what you’re thoughts / feelings are, except for yourself.
Promise me that:
You will be true to yourself.
You will speak your truth.
You will honor yourself, your thoughts, and your feelings above all others.
You will seek to understand yourself and those around you
You will value yourself & not seek worth from others.
And if you’re the jackass that’s up on their high horse, get down.
Save face and get down now before someone pulls you down and embarrasses you…I say this with all the love 😉
Be YOU and be 100% absolutely PROUD of who you are.
We are all in this fight to survive in this crazy world.
Find your strength within yourself and nobody else.